One of the most important foundations necessary for  building emotional intelligence into your workplace culture is to distinguish between inviting emotional vulnerability and expecting it. To create a space where it is safe for emotions to be shared, taken responsibility for, yet not over-indulged.  

Depending on people’s backgrounds, experiences, race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, class, appearance, etc., they may have had their vulnerability weaponized against them.

So, building a culture of emotional intelligence doesn’t necessarily mean everyone shares every emotion they’re feeling. It means that a norm begins to form in the group around taking responsibility for one’s own emotions. To actually notice what each emotion feels like in the body and to be able to slow down and not react to sudden heightened emotions.  To notice the behaviors and circumstances that trigger those emotions and not blame external behaviors or circumstances.

This is inviting a culture of personal empowerment. It’s one where each team member notices how they get thrown off by external conditions, ambiguity, change, and each other. And, in that moment, they take it upon themselves to prioritize shifting their state instead of trying to manipulate their environment.

There are 5 skills that help create this culture.

Skill #1: Self-Awareness

The first step is to actually notice when there’s an emotional reaction happening in your body and to be able to describe what each emotion feels like.

For example, when you’re feeling angry, pause and take a deep breath into the anger. Bring awareness to where you’re feeling that anger and breathe into that part of your body. Begin to notice what that anger feels like. Use descriptive words. For example:

It feels like a fire in my chest.

It feels like vibration in my arms.

It feels like a rising in my throat.

How about anxiety?

It feels like a square lump in my stomach with sharp edges.

It feels like energy circling around my heart.

It feels like heat on my skin and sweaty palms.

It feels like tension in my head.

These are just examples. What’s important is that you begin to bring awareness to what emotions feel like in your body. You may find this to be easy or you may find this to be challenging at first. If you don’t feel anything right away, that’s okay. If you’ve spent most of your time in your head, then it can take time to be able to describe what you’re feeling. Start with the breath at first.

If you manage a team, in your one-on-ones with them, help them bring awareness to their emotional reactions. Invite them to slow down. And to notice when they’re letting their mood be controlled by something out of their control.

Stuck emotions block creativity. If your team members block off their emotions, they will fester underneath the surface and eventually erupt. They will block the movement of creativity that wants to happen. E-motion. Energy in motion. That doesn’t mean over-indulging in emotional sharing. It means choosing to feel it instead of shoving it down and acknowledge that they’re having an emotional reaction without projecting it or blaming someone else for it – being able to take that personal responsibility.

Skill #2: Personal Responsibility

Personal responsibility is about separating intention from impact, noticing when you’re having a reaction of anger, worry, anxiety, or fear because of something someone said or did – and not assuming bad intention. If your mind is like most, it’s been trained to almost automatically blame others when you’re feeling an emotion you don’t want to feel. It’s easier that way. It takes the responsibility off of your shoulders. To take personal responsibility for how you feel takes intention and focus to choose to be present with your emotions and shift them on your own.

Practice assuming a good intention. Don’t assume that because you feel bad, their intention was bad. They did or said something. Then you felt something. Your mind is practiced in making meaning out of your bad feeling.

Well, they said that and now I feel bad / angry / sad. They must have been trying to get under my skin. Why else would that do/say that?!

They did or said what they did for any myriad of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you. The mind wants to make sense out of everything but emotions are non-sensical. All you need to do is watch a toddler for 5 minutes to really get that. Unfortunately, as you grew up, society taught you that your emotions needed to be sensical. That being “emotional” is weak.

Yet emotions are designed to rise and fall like the tides and they do have a purpose.

Anger is meant to let you know someone crossed a boundary – that someone did something that wasn’t okay with you. When anger rises, instead of directing it at someone, use it as information. Get clear inside of yourself what was actually not okay with you.

In most cases, the other person didn’t do anything “wrong”. You have a boundary that you can ask them to respect. They just didn’t know your boundary. More on this in Skill #4.

Grief and sadness are meant to clear the past, to fully feel the losses and the challenges of what has happened so you can move forward unburdened. Fear is meant to let you know you’re stepping outside your comfort zone and often is accompanied by excitement.

So, instead of trying to make meaning of your emotions and blame someone else for “making you” feel some way, remember that you are in charge of your feelings. No one can make you feel anything. Others do things. You feel your emotions.

Skill #3: Sharing the Impact

Now, once you’ve separated intention from impact and identified the impact of the circumstances or other person’s words or actions, you can shift your state without needing anything from the other. Yet, it still may be important for you to share the impact their words or actions had on you, without blaming them for the impact.

And you can make a request for them to act or speak to you in a different way. When you share with them the impact and make a request (making sure all emotional charge has been felt fully and has calmed first), then the other person can choose to act or speak differently.

You can say something like, “When you did this or said this, I noticed I felt really angry. I think it’s because my dad used to talk to me that way. I know that wasn’t your intention. But it would be really helpful if you could say _____ instead. Are you open to that?”

That is taking responsibility and making a request, fully conscious and responsible of and for your emotions. And this leads us right into setting boundaries.

Skill #4: Setting Boundaries

Once you’ve separated the intention from the impact, and you’ve allowed yourself to feel your emotions without directing them at another, it’s much easier to get clear about what you’re a ‘yes’ for and what you’re a ‘no’ for. And that includes the manager you report to. Similarly, for your team members that report to you, it includes them setting boundaries with you.

Resentment, infighting, silos, lack of engagement all rise when people don’t feel safe to set boundaries around their health, time, energy, and attention. This loss is greater than any gain of “running a tight ship” where no emotions are allowed. That may look “productive” but so much energy, creativity, and innovation is lost that it is extremely ineffective and wasteful.

It can feel really risky and scary for team members because they might not feel safe to say no. They have learned from society to show up and be good soldiers in order to get recognized and promoted. The safety needs to be created over time and by example and without expectation.

In my working with clients over the years from the front line to the manager level to the director level to the CEO level, that fear exists at all levels.  For example, the fear to say something like:

“I felt angry when you asked me to do that because I only work 40 hours a week and I was surprised you asked me to add anything to my plate. I just want you to know I’m not available to work more than 40 hours. Having energy to be fully present with my family is too important. If I do that, it means I won’t be able to do _____________. Does that work for you?  

But this is so important that everyone feels they can honor their own needs and create a work / life integration that feels really good. This allows for their best work and optimal effectiveness.

Skill #5: Self-Regulation

This skill helps to support Skills 2-4.

When you find yourself emotionally reacting in a way that is intense and you find yourself trying to change the circumstances to feel better,  these reactions are often happening at the unconscious level. They’re on auto-pilot. When your mind identifies a threat that looks like a danger it saw in the past, it sends signals down to your body to react in an automatic way. That can be anger, anxiety, fear – all as survival patterns to help navigate the perceived danger.

Yet, these auto-pilot patterns are often out-of-date and no longer useful. They habitually jump into action that is rooted in past danger, not the present danger.

The key is to be able to notice the pattern arising (Skill #1) and then to self-regulate, instead of trying to change external conditions. Because when your nervous system is “regulated” and calm, you can take the best action that will change external conditions.  

As we identified earlier, emotions are not logical. This is why logic rarely works to shift emotions. In fact, logic can often rile them up even more. To shift a non-logical experience, you need a non-logical tool. Or tools. Tools of the body. The breath. Movement.

Deep 5-second belly breaths are scientifically proven to calm the nervous system. To calm anxiety. To calm anger. To shift your state back to center. That’s an easy tool you can utilize to take responsibility for your own state. When emotionally-heightened, I invite you to go for a walk, trying to keep your awareness with the emotion and out of your mind, breathing into the area of the body where the intensity is, 5 seconds in and 5 seconds out, to slow things down. Then, breathe into your belly in the same way.

The walking helps to move some of the energy and keep you in your body. Once the emotion is calmed a bit, continue the breathing while still.

If you prioritize this when there is uncertainty or perceived challenge around you, your action will go much farther.

Conclusion and The 3 A’s

When you use these 5 skills, you create space to align to a new action and a new way of being. And then you can model this for your teams, communities, and peers. And you can invite your managers to practice this. And, then you can invite them to invite their team members to practice this. This is how you build a culture of emotional intelligence in your organization one step at a time. It starts with you. Practice. Model.

In the moments you can’t quite catch the reaction in time, that’s okay. Be Gentle. Gentleness helps to calm the nervous system too by creating internal safety. Know that the pattern is there operating from the “animal” part of you, trying to help you survive. It isn’t logical and doesn’t realize the perceived danger isn’t there. When you beat yourself up for behaving in a habituated way, that will only rile the pattern up more. Meet yourself with softness. That creates space to Align to something new.

The 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Alignment.

As this culture grows and everyone begins setting their correct boundaries while taking responsibility for their reactions, choosing to self-regulate and create space, everyone will find their natural place. Team members will add more value and be able to leverage each others’ natural gifts. Effectiveness won’t come from strategy and action unless this fundamental skill is in place. You might become efficient. But you won’t become effective. A lot of energy will be wasted.

So remove resistance and operate with optimal effectiveness by building a culture of emotional intelligence.